Confessions of a Church Kid: Innocence through the Lens of St. Augustine, the Apostle Paul, and Christ

I picked up the Confessions of St. Augustine purely because it feels great to pretend that I had a classical education. I like it when I have a book in my hands on a plane flight, and the older woman praises me for not being on my phone like “all those young people these days.” And if I’m reading a book written over 1,600 years ago, then I get extra bonus points, right?

Now, I am not very articulate in explaining what this book is. Twice, I’ve been asked, “What are Augustine’s Confessions?” and twice I have shot a helpless look at a Nearby Educated Friend who will answer the question for me. “It is a collection of rich spiritual writings by St. Augustine, originally written in Latin around 400 AD, an autobiography capturing how…”

However, despite my basic understanding and slow reading pace (I’m only 46 pages in), I’ve found myself more interested in this book than I expected I would be. 

Augustine speaks to me. His writing slows me down and draws me back to who God is and who I am before Him.

This quote particularly jumped out at me, in Part VII of Book Two.

“I confess Thou hast forgiven all alike—the sins I committed of my own motion, the sins I would have committed but for Thy grace.”

Forgiven All Alike

I paused here. I often think about my sins that I have “committed of my own motion.” Sometimes I find it hard to think of anything, which is probably my pride fogging up my vision. But I believe it is crucial that we recognize our sins. If we don’t see our sin and our desperate need for forgiveness, how can we see how incredible God is in His love and mercy?

In my search to identify my sins, I don’t often think about my sins that I “would have committed but for Thy grace.” That sounds rather hypothetical … these are the sins that don’t exist. I would think that I don’t need grace for the things I didn’t do. If I’ve only sinned a little bit, then God only needs to forgive me a little bit, right?

Augustine continues: “Would any man, considering his own weakness, dare to attribute his chastity or innocence to his own powers and so love Thee less—as if he did not need the same mercy as those who return to Thee after sin?”

Chastity and Innocence

It felt like Augustine was personally calling me out here. I was raised by Christian parents, grew up going to church, and came to faith at a relatively young age. Most would say that I’ve lived a life of purity. If I compare myself to the world, then it seems like I’m doing a pretty good job on my own.

But when I read Augustine’s words, I had to stop and think about it, and I realized that I can’t take the credit for being born in a Christian household or being raised in a sheltered lifestyle. Those are not things I had the ability to choose for myself. If God had chosen to plop me in a different life situation, things might have turned out a lot differently.

I have already seen that I am prone to sin when I am put in various circumstances. Hanging around certain friends, I joined them in watching shows that go against my conscience, because I didn’t want to be seen as judgmental. Working one job that involved reviewing books, I found myself reading explicit scenes, and often taking longer than I should to make the decision to stop reading.

So it’s not that I’m a better person now; it’s just that these temptations are not currently in front of me, and this is by God’s good grace.

“If any man has heard Thy voice and followed it and done none of the things he finds me here recording and confessing,” wrote Augustine, “still he must not scorn me: for I am healed by the same doctor who preserved him from falling into sickness, or at least into such grievous sickness. But let him love Thee even more: seeing me rescued out of such sickness of sin, and himself saved from falling into such sickness of sin, by the one same Savior.”

Healed by the Same Doctor

Augustine highlights the very human tendency to compare our sins to those of other people.

“Oh, I’ve never committed adultery, so I must be a good person.” We set our standards for ourselves based on what makes us feel best about ourselves: like writing a retrospective checklist just to check off all the boxes.

But what are Christ’s standards for us? 

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.” — Matthew 5:27-30 (ESV)

Throughout Matthew 5, Christ continues to make these statements, “You have heard it was said… But I say to you…” It’s pretty unbelievable. We’re not just supposed to love our neighbors, but we’re also supposed to love our enemies?

The thing is, Christ doesn’t call us to just avoid the major sins. He calls us to root out every hint of sin in our lives. His standards are far higher than our standards. When we hold ourselves against these standards, we realize that we’re in the same boat as the rest of mankind.

“You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” — Matthew 5:48

Reason for Confidence in the Flesh

This reminds me of Paul’s declaration:

“If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” — Philippians 3:4b-8a

Pastor John Piper did an “Ask Pastor John” podcast episode titled, “You Are More Sinful Than You Know, More Loved Than You Imagine.” In it, he reminds us that every good deed that we ever do is imperfect. Even his motives in his “best moments are never completely free from indwelling sin and some kind of selfishness or pride is creeping in there,” he says, and I feel the same way about my best moments.

Yet John Piper says, “I just want to cry out from the housetops that Christ died for my good deeds. He died for my good deeds so that they could be acceptable, so that all the contamination in them could be covered.”

Exposing Sin to Know God’s Grace

I studied Obadiah recently, a book among the Minor Prophets in the Bible, since I wanted to take a deeper look before I heard a sermon on it. 

The book described how the nation of Edom “stood aloof” during the misfortune of Jerusalem, and I thought, That’s me. I often lack compassion. The genuine care and love I see from strong believers is not the default I see in myself.

Perhaps this scene seems a little strange: 21st century church kid reading about heartless military decisions of an ancient kingdom and saying, “I relate.” Does she have a guilt complex or something?

But the reality is that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). I’m a human and a sinner just as much as the commanders of Edom’s army. 

And I will keep reminding myself of this, because the more clearly I see my sin, the more clearly I am able to see God’s grace and love Him all the more for how He has healed, rescued, preserved, and saved me. Heeding the warning of Augustine, I will not dare to attribute my chastity or innocence to my own powers and so love Thee less. I need Thy mercy always.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. — 1 John 1:8–9

P.S.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog post! I love having this outlet to share what I’m processing and learning in life and in my faith. Along with my blog posts, I have been sharing some more personal updates in my newsletter, especially as I explore Christian publishing in an internship this summer. You are more than welcome to tag along for the ride.