A Tour Through the Quiet Questions of a Sunday Morning
“God, I think I want to know you,” I prayed in my car on a Sunday morning, as I started a long commute to a new church.
I have been a Christian for about eight years, but if I’m honest, I don’t always feel like I know God. I don’t see myself trying to know him more every single day.
And this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. — John 17:3 (ESV)
As I thought of that verse, I prayed, “To know you is life-everlasting. I think I want that.” Yet it is hard to tell how much I want it, when I want and pursue so many other accomplishments, comforts, and dreams.
I think I want to know God. But how can I know a God so great?
Only if he makes himself known to me.
If I Could Have Any Superpower
I want to go to seminary one day. Yep, that’s my five-year-plan right now.
What seminary, you ask? Will I be an in-person, online, part-time, or full-time student? What will I do with it exactly? My answer: TBD.
There are a lot of good reasons to go to seminary (even if you’re not an aspiring pastor but a complementarian woman like me!): to study the Bible and its cultural context, to find a deeper understanding of God, to better share that with others.
Why do I want to go to seminary? To feel competent.
What I would love more than anything is to sound intelligent. If I could have any superpower, I would have the ability to speak aloud in coherent English sentences.
But my attitude is all backwards. Do I want to know God? I can’t come before him as one who is competent.
The only way I can know God is if I fall to my knees, fully aware of my incredible incompetence to stand in his presence, yet fully justified through Jesus Christ.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. — Psalm 51:17
A Competent Hypocrite and Imposter?
In early June, a sweet friend emailed me to say, “Thank you for sharing your creativity and love of the Lord!”
I was a little startled. It doesn’t feel like I write these blog posts out of a big love for God and love for others. It feels more like I’m scratching an itch. This is my outlet.
Could it be that I’m still glorifying God?
Often we see a young gentleman holding a door, and we say, “His parents must have raised him right.” He might not be consciously giving his parents any credit, but his behavior still glorifies their parenting skills.
I wonder if it’s the same way with me and God. He is a Creator who designed me to be creative in his image. Even if it feels like I’m just expressing myself, there are other people who see it and think, “Wow, God gave you a gift.”
But I don’t want to be the young gentleman who just shrugs. Self-pleasure is a cold and short-lived feeling that takes the gift and calls it small potatoes. It’s so much better when I can see where my gift came from, feel the warmth of sincere gratitude toward my Father, and intentionally give him the glory.
A God Who Makes Himself Known
There’s a verse that says, “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).
It confuses me. God is a God who moves. How can I know God unless I move too? If God is so big, I would assume that I would need to run at this incredible pace to just catch a glimpse of his hand.
My life is always moving. It’s moving in good directions: toward friendships with wonderful people, toward work that is helping others, toward writing and art and enjoyment of God’s gifts. But in all the bustle, it is so easy to be distracted. I’m caught in the daze of an unending merry-go-round. Everything outside of my little world is a blur.
But if I stop for a minute, if I put aside the distractions, if I sit down, just me and God, then he clears away the busy blur. Slowly, I become more aware of what he is doing. He is so generous in making himself known.
Psalm 46:8–11 (ESV)
[8] Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
[9] He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
[10] “Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
[11] The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
I can’t know God unless he makes himself known to me. I’m so glad that he has. And guess how he decided to do it? Through a book! He wrote a 2,000-page book specifically for me, and I still can’t get over how cool that is. If he wrote a little message in the clouds, that would be kind of cool. The fact that he gave us the Bible is a thousand times cooler.
Lately, I’ve been reading Psalms, on-and-off, slowly trying to form a habit, and asking myself, “Who is God?” This question helps me to read it with fresh eyes. There is so much to discover.
Psalm 49:7–9 (ESV)
[7] Truly no man can ransom another,
or give to God the price of his life,
[8] for the ransom of their life is costly
and can never suffice,
[9] that he should live on forever
and never see the pit.
The chasm between God and man is huge. You’ve never seen the bitter, prideful thoughts that live in my mind, but if you did, you would know that I fall short of God’s goodness by a gazillion miles.
God crossed that chasm and came to be with us through the person of Jesus Christ. Fully God and fully man, Jesus paid a ransom that none of us could pay. He said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). When I lay down my competence and ask for very-needed grace, he gladly gives it, and he makes me righteous before the Father.
He bridged the chasm and made a way for me to know God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
I pray that God helps me to know and love him more.
He is worthy.
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