Bitter, Brutish, and Ignorant: Finding God in Gloom and Anxiety

The gloom… it’s only what? Two hours a day? Maybe three or four sometimes? It doesn’t matter. Anyone might have a couple hours of gloom in their day.

Yet the gloom in me wants so much to matter. To make itself a huge deal and devour all the light.

And honestly? Sometimes I let it. I stew in a sense of heaviness or a vague, undirected anxious feeling, frustrated with myself for even feeling this way. I’m so stupid even for making such a big deal out of it. Drama queen. Ugh. Nothing is really wrong.

Younger me should be jealous. I’m at Purdue University. I’m succeeding. Just a little while before I wrote this, I was having a ton of fun copyediting a manuscript for my academic publishing internship. Now I’m just a tired cranky baby who doesn’t want to go to sleep. Doesn’t want to read a book. Doesn’t want to pray. Doesn’t want to recite my favorite Scripture passages. 

“When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart…” Psalm 73:21 springs to mind and I laugh. That’s definitely me. Thousands of years and Asaph’s psalm still rings true. I’m brutish and ignorant; I’m like a beast toward God (v22).

I feel stuck, like my faith has shrunk to almost nothing. And yet I am reminded that I am continually with Him… He holds my right hand, guides me with His counsel, and will receive me to glory (v23-24). How? Why? My flesh and heart are utterly failing. And somehow He is still my strength and portion. Forever (v26).

Who is that faithful?

Certainly not me!

I’m bitter, pricked, brutish, ignorant, and beastly but somehow the Truth remains that it is good to be near God. He’s still a refuge (v28). He’s what I really want when I long for comfort, intimacy, peace, love, to be known, to be valued, to never be failed. My desire for more is a desire for God.

I just gotta hold on. One day, I’ll stand face to face with my Lord and Savior. I will fully experience the comfort, intimacy, and peace that can only be found in Him. These persistent itches will be satisfied in a perfect relationship with the Almighty God who knows me, values me, and will never fail me. He is my hope.

I think of the hymn, “Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing”: Oh, that day when freed from sinning / I shall see Thy lovely face / Full arrayed in blood-washed linen / How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace.

Psalm 73

21 When my soul was embittered,

    when I was pricked in heart,

22 I was brutish and ignorant;

    I was like a beast toward you.

23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you;

    you hold my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,

    and afterward you will receive me to glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?

    And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

27 For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;

    you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.

28 But for me it is good to be near God;

    I have made the Lord God my refuge,

    that I may tell of all your works.