Hope in the Midst of Senioritis

My energy was drained. The week felt long. “Senioritis” was hitting hard.

senioritis: a supposed affliction of students in their final year of high school or college, characterized by a decline in motivation or performance.* — Oxford Dictionary

*To any potential employers who are reading this: Fear not! My case of senioritis is not affecting my grades or performance in the least.

I sighed and thought to myself, How sweet would it be to buy a plane ticket, say goodbye to my friends, and escape from all of it? I began to daydream of fully disconnecting from everything that seemed so wearisome to me that day.

My mind painted an introvert’s perfect escape: exploring a new city alone, wandering through museums at my own pace, making decisions without the tension of people-pleasing.

It was a mental exercise that helped me get through another day. Yet my conscience nagged at me. I wasn’t just tired. There was some deeper issue that I needed to take to God.

I called my brother, Mikey, to talk through it. “If God has blessed me with such amazing friends, why do I want nothing more than to get away from them?” As I verbally processed my question, I began to realize how many fears, anxieties, and discouragements I attach to my relationships.

When I’m less tired and I find my element, I can surprise people with my bubbly sociability. I like to adopt everyone as my little siblings. My joy overflows, and I find immense satisfaction in new relationships. 

I’m go-go-go-go until I find that the satisfaction has run out. My expectations for myself are beyond my reach, and my friends don’t meet my unreachable expectations either.

Scheduling becomes misery. Small rejections become personal. My efforts feel futile.

I’m afraid of three things: 1) I haven’t done enough as a friend. 2) My friends don’t desire the same depth of friendship that I do. Or 3) we can’t achieve that depth of friendship. These anxieties build up, and I begin overthinking everything I need to say or do to fix the situation. 

That’s when escape seems most promising.

Ecclesiastes

Ecclesiastes became my new favorite book of the Bible as I studied it this summer. I relate to the author on a deep level because I have pondered my own existence since age 11.* 

*Evidence: I wrote this article about the meaning of life and this blog post called “What’s the Point?” in my early teen years. 🙂

Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
What does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
— Eccl. 1:2-3 (ESV)

For me, senioritis feels like getting up in the morning and dramatically asking, “What’s the point again? Why am I here?”

If being a student is sometimes hard, being a friend is often harder.

I cried as I shared with Mikey how I had fought so hard to invest in one younger friend, a new believer, and it felt like she had forgotten me this semester. I wasn’t getting to see her grow and enjoy the spiritual fruit. It all seemed futile.

Mikey reminded me that God will recognize the love I show my friends, whether or not I see the results that I want right now. Wait, really? I realized that I hardly ever view my friendships through this perspective. Loving well has value in and of itself.

Not in Vain

I stumbled into 1 Corinthians 15:57-58 the other day, and now it’s my new favorite Bible verse.

“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” (Emphasis added.)

The rest of 1 Corinthians 15 also earned a 5-star Yelp review from me. It is crazy cool. Go read it. We have hope that our work is not in vain because Christ is risen, and we, too, who put our faith in him, will be raised in glory (1 Cor. 15:40-44).

After reading this chapter, I flipped over to Romans 8:18-21. It echoed the same themes.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.”

Then, I popped my earbuds in and walked to class listening to The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis. It’s so funny how the Holy Spirit connects all the dots. I listened to C.S. Lewis’s perspective on glory: not fame among men, but a humbling recognition from God.

It’s the master saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matt. 25:23).

Humbling Glory

In January, my church organized a trip to the Creation Museum so that an international group could come see the evidence for God as Creator and enjoy the hospitality of a church in Cincinnati.

Afterward, I emailed Mr. Gottfried to thank him for coordinating the trip. He told me he was glad I came and ended his reply with these simple words: “You represent Christ well.”

I was emotionally moved by his email. To be told this by someone more spiritually mature than me, that I could represent Jesus well for even just a weekend? It meant everything to me.

I can’t imagine what I’ll feel if I hear “well done” from God himself one day.

It wouldn’t matter whether I saw the fruit of my work here on earth. It wouldn’t matter if loving others had felt satisfying. It wouldn’t matter if my labors had seemed difficult and unnecessary at the time.

In that moment alone, everything would be worth it.

My Hope in the Midst of Senioritis

What’s the point again? Why am I here? I ask myself when I wake up.

Oh, I remember. To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

Let’s get to it.

What Do You Think?

Have you experienced senioritis? Where do you find hope to fight another day? Please share your story in the comments if you so wish.